week 7 – blueberry

i’m now at the point where i am no longer fearing that any slight move i make will make me miscarriage.  right now i just want the first trimester to pass so that i can stop feeling hungover 24/7.  yes, i’m one of the lucky ones who has had all-day nausea.  i hit a wall at about 3pm every afternoon as well, so my days seems to consist of lying on the couch, eating saltines, sipping tea, and napping.  all while wanting to hurl, but not being able to.

the baby is the size of a blueberry and that’s what jared and i have been calling it.  “do you think this will hurt the blueberry, or am i ok?”  “our little blueberry says thank you for giving it some closet doors!” “please, little blueberry, you’re killing mommy with these hormones!”

i’m amazed at how fast it’s growing.  poppy seed –> sesame seed –> tic-tac –> blueberry.  next week the nickname will change to our little raspberry.

right now it’s waving it’s little arm and leg buds around – and that just blows my mind.

we haven’t told our parents yet because my mom is coming to visit at the end of the month and we want to tell her in person.  it’s killing us!  i nearly slipped when she called me yesterday.  i also have a little anxiety because we’ve told a lot of our friends and i’m a little worried they’re going to say something on facebook and my mom will KILL me if she finds out that way!

speaking of anxiety.  i had it when i thought i couldn’t get pregnant, and now that i am, it’s just manifesting itself in other ways.  i’m slightly terrified of the labor part of things… in a “there’s no going back now” sort of way.  it’s how i felt when i went skydiving, and that didn’t have a pretty ending (or video!).  i’m reading too much for my own good, but i also know i have to.  it’s in my nature to be prepared for absolutely any little thing that could possibly happen. 

i’m even more terrified of the idea of having someone be entirely dependent on me for so long!  i know that we will be good parents and whatnot, but the whole idea of PERMANENT parenthood seems so daunting! 

then there’s our house and finances.  i simply don’t know how we’re going to afford things like day care.  or college.  even the co-payment on the insurance.

i’m SOOO happy that this is happening, but i am in total fear of the unknown.


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