so i was talking with my friend the other day about how i always seem to get myself into fairly serious relationships with guys who are generally pretty great, but for whatever reason lack the desire to get married. they’re good with commitment, just not that actual act of marriage. she told me it was probably because i tend to date pretty non-conservative guys. i thought about that and ended up agreeing with her. and then i thought about it some more..
i think the liberal-ness is only part of the equation. there are plenty of liberal guys out there that are interested in the family life. so i started thinking, what else could it be?
and then it hit me.
i ALWAYS act like the guy in the relationship. i am the pursuer. i make the first move in most situations. i feel awkward when they try to be romantic. i pick the wine with dinner. hell, i even try to lead when we dance. i don’t play games and am impatient and lose interest when someone plays them with me.
i’ve initiated almost every relationship i’ve had. and the guys i’m naturally drawn to are usually non-aggressive, laid back, not in a hurry to get anywhere types. i take care of them. i make more money than them. i am more responsible. i have more outside interests and friends. and i’m a pretty damn good girlfriend.
so i shouldn’t be surprised that these guys are happy just the way things are. why should they put time and effort and money into marrying me when they’re getting everything they need right now?
this used to really bother me. a lot. but now that i’m going through my quarterlife crisis, i’m not even sure that i want to be married. is it because si and i have been together for 5 years and i’m naturally freaking out? or is it because i never really wanted to get married and subconsciously chose to date people that i knew wouldn’t want to either? the thought of being with one person for the rest of my life is daunting. and right now i can’t tell if it’s scarier to me than being alone.